Lost & Found

Lost myself in a flagrantly one sided relationship— giving all I had, but for what?

I miss the warmth of a second body in my bed.

I miss the security of you holding me at night.

I wonder how I could be so blind?

You made it clear how you felt about me, time and time again—

But then you cloud my view with random acts of service

You knew me— inside and out

You played my strings beautifully

I was the orchestra and you were the conductor

You used this truth to wield your weapon against me —

Your weapon…

I guess what I really mean is just you.

I was superman

You were kryptonite

While I was no hero,

You might have been a villain.

Enabling false hope in my mind that maybe you do actually love me

Perhaps you’re just tainted and your love reflects that.

I believe in who you want to be.

I just no longer believe that I should be your “in process”

I’m not even sure that’s what I believed during it all.

I think I thought we were in it together?

But hindsight is always clearer— unfortunate, though it may be.

“Hindsight”

What a concept.

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SO— what have I learned since trading my rose colored glasses for clear bifocals?

I see now that you actually never loved me at all.

But how could you?

How can you give something you don’t have?

It all seems so clear now.

You thought you loved me and I must have known that

what’s more is that for a while that was enough for me..

Why? I don’t know.

But you did—

You knew why.

You knew my weaknesses.

You knew my blind spots; you embodied them.

They actualized in the essence of your very being.

You knew the ‘why’ behind questions I hadn’t even realized I should even be asking

You knew.

You knew and you hoped I would never figure it out.

You hoped I would never come to my senses.

But. I did.

I was flying below my station and you knew it.

But I see now—

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REDEMPTION —-

I have never seen the righteous forsaken. Nor His seed begging bread.

I am a child of the Most High.

I was born of His spirit.

I was chosen.

My greatness was predestine.

Written on my family scrolls before i was even conceptualized.

I am the big payback.

Payback for lost years

Payback for fault lines

For the Ruins of what once was—-

I am my family’s redemption song.

Things will turn around and it starts with me

I just had to realize it.

This is why your weapon did not prosper.

It could not have—

God would not allow it.

Still The question remains—

Can I actually fix what has been broken?

The scars on my beautiful.

They tell a story..

they always will.

But I’m the narrator now.

And I can spin the story any way I see fit.

You hate to see it.

But I’m coming.

Just wait on it.